Modern children are simply too fat to lift, according to eagles.
After faked footage of an eagle attempting to carry off a child went viral, the birds commented that they wished this were still possible.
Golden eagle Roy Hobbs said: “These days you simply can’t get human infants off the ground. Honestly, the average toddler weighs more than a sheep. What the hell are you feeding them?”
For the gullible, not mentioning any names, this story is fake. We nicked it from The Daily Mash (a satirical website, here).
6 thoughts on “Eagles demand lighter children”
That couldn’t possibly refer to the eloquent and enlightened Bert?
The worry is that people are becoming more gullible..and believing the “theories” and fairy tales put out by so-called “countryside experts”, whos only qualifications are having lived in the countryside all their lives..with their eyes firmly blinkered. When that includes politicians and civil servants, it stops being funny…
Mmmm, dare I mention;
Yes, sadly we have many years of trash TV and the dumbing down of society to thank for that, and this has obviously permeated the political parties and is much in evidence with many of our elected representatives. Even some natural history programmes are dumbed down so much they are hardly worth watching and I also believe that the approaches used by some conservation organisations are to blame for this. As for the “countryside guardians”, well we have come to expect the lies, the manipulation and propaganda – it is so ingrained in the shooting industry (just like raptor persecution is) that the Bertie Bunkums and Bartie Balderdashes don’t know of anything else.
I have been working on the very problem of eagles unable to carry off and otherwise predate humans. I have been trying to obtain a desirable hybrid which will be a cross between a Stellers Sea eagle for bulk and bill size, a golden eagle , well there has to be a UK element to the bird, a harpy eagle for sheer power and agility and one of the hawk eagles for aggression. I’m hoping in the final cross to feed the chick a surfeit of growth hormone to make it huge and o incorporate a genetic modification so that it will thrive on carbofuran, alphachloralose and strychnine. Once this has been achieved and I admit it may take a little time, I hoping to train the birds to hunt men who drive landrovers, quad bikes and carry guns. I am assuming that bert will be promulgating my idea through the wildlife criminal, sorry keepering community so endgender real fear!!
Ah well we can dream.
The eagle involved in the video has finally released a statement. ” I was approached by two shady characters to deliver a baby as the Stork was exhausted with there being a baby boom this year, I agreed and was flying high over the park when I saw the couple with an empty pram, as I got lower I thought I could see snares on the pram, I tried to remember was a snare a trap or not when I realised the pram was actually a poorly designed clam trap, it could take a childs arm off. the woman shouted in a mans voice are you filming this alex to which the reply came, got it bert, I dropped the baby in shock and made off, i didnt report this before as I thought it would be months before anybody mentioed it. Couldnt believe anyone would doctor the video and I wont be doing the stork anymore favours