The Modern Poisoners’ Society walked off with the top prize at last night’s annual Pinocchio Awards, held at a glittering ceremony on a hillside in an Angus glen.
The judging panel, exclusively made up this year by members of the Modern Poisoner Employers’ Society, said the decision was unanimous, and universal.
A spokesman for the panel, millionaire Sir Gideon Marmaduke Sinclair-Clementine said: “We are delighted to recognise the winners’ capability to fabricate stories, often in the face of what might seem to be blindingly obvious truths. The fact that we employ these truth-distorters had no bearing whatsoever on our decision. They are universally the best liars this world has ever seen, and that’s no word of a lie”.
A spokesman for the Modern Poisoners’ Society, Carbofuran Campbell said: “It’s great to get such universal recognition. We’ve made up shit for years and it’s gratifying that it’s finally been noticed. Thanks very much”.
A spokesman for the Royal Bird Protection Society said: “For fuck’s sake. They told us they would acknowledge us in their acceptance speech. The fact they didn’t just shows what untrustworthy lying bastards they are. Taxi!”
Raptor Persecution UK 
“They were very, very drunk at the time..” [Fast Show in litt]
I’m surprised and disapointed that there wasn’t a special international award for the employers of the English trappers poisoners and shooters club Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[Ed: sorry Paul, your final sentence would have the libel lawyers foaming at the mouth!]