Police in the Highlands are warning sheep farmers to be on high alert after a spate of incidents involving a giant eagle and a jar of mint sauce.
They believe the enormous bird is responsible for dining etiquette atrocities in the lambing fields of Perthshire. One farmer, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals by gangs of ill-mannered eagles, said he had seen this ginormous eagle staggering around his field, dressed in a hoodie and swigging from a bottle of Lambrini while stuffing lamb cutlets into its beak. “That lamb was wasted on that brute. Doesn’t it know that lamb should be smothered in chopped rosemary and garlic and cooked at 200 degrees centigrade for 125 minutes? To eat it raw like that, after spooning mint sauce over its intestines, just goes to show what an uncultured savage it is. The Scottish government has got a lot to answer for, bringing back these uncouth barbarians.”
Albert Hogburn of the Modern Poisoners Society said: “We’ve said all along that these eagles are a danger to society, and now we’ve been proved right. Nobody listened to us but I bet they will now. You can’t teach an eagle new tricks, or table manners, which is why we like to teach them another kind of lesson. Let them eat our poisoned bait, that’ll learn ‘em”.
Donald Spewing-Moore of the Royal Bird Protection Society said: “For fuck’s sake, can’t a man eat his easter eggs in peace? Call me back on Tuesday when I’m in the office“. He later phoned back and apologised for his bad language, blaming it on the stress of being beaten on the Wii by his mother-in-law.
The Courier reports another attack that may have been carried out by the same eagle, here.
Raptor Persecution UK 
When dead raptor is found in the possession of a gamekeeper the law seems to find it convenient to conclude that it is impossible to prove that he killed it. When an eagle is found with a dead lamb it seems to be an open and shut case – the eagle must have killed the lamb. And obviously, as with all good murderous criminals, the offender will go on to perpetrate even more horrendous crimes such as killing a small dog and then a child. He / she could even go on to attack a Minister of the Kirk (as we all know Sea Eagles are prone to do).
If a gamekeeper is prepared to break wildlife protection laws as though they don’t exist and he is prepared to use dangerous banned poisonous substances willy nilly, it makes you wonder just what else he’s capable of, especially when he knows he’s extremely unlikely to pay the penalty for his crimes ???
The poor old Raptor who is just going about the basic instinct of survival is not allowed to even feed itself without being accused of all sorts of offences against the pigeon fanciers, the farmers and of course the biggest adversary of them all, the shooting fraternity. The penalty for this basic instinct is severe in the extreme, death and possible total extinction for the species.
Dave Dick an Investigations officer in Scotland has revealed he quit his job because landowners, police and even the judiciary were seriously undermining laws designed to protect birds of prey. In his new book Wildlife Crime, based on 25 years of undercover operations, Dave Dick says he resigned as head investigator for the RSPB because he was “sick to the back teeth” of gamekeepers getting away with killing raptors.
Does this not say it all from a guy that knows only too well genuine wildlife concerned folfk are really wasting
their time complaining taking to court well funded game keepers and wildlife killers on sporting estates. Don’t fool yourselves these guys enjoy killing …you even may be mentioned, in Dave’s book… well done you are one of the lowest of the low in Scottish wildlife history, and may be proud of it but what about the next generation of young folk interested in nature??? Wasters only thinking of yourselves, your job and today…But maybe tomorrow have to join the dole line and will have leave your rifle and poisons and snares at home, looks good on your CV eh>?…you are however another dinasour. And not before time you may realise it .. , you may be Stacking shelves in Oban’s Tesco’s , but will certainly benefit the the Scottish countryside beyond the well owners worst dreams and plans. I rest my case but buy the DD’s book, read and learn what you are really living with. BJ
How bloody sad is all this in 2012 the world’s wildlife is in trouble, but here in Argyll…money talks and who gives a stuff??? We still get all the grants available thank you very much dear public.
On a more positive note all of the comments on the courier website are positive and accepting of the presence of sea eagles as well as any scavenging/predation and Jim Crumley of the courier also wrote a fairly supportive piece a few days later which is a far cry from when the project started 5 yrs ago and he was telling everyone that they could no longer walk their dogs on St Andrews beach! So although the rate of change in the game industry and police is excrutiatingly slow, these changes in the wider publics attitude should not be overlooked.