The Modern Poisoners’ Society has reacted angrily to the news that sea eagles are set to breed in urbanised East Scotland.
Their outburst was prompted by an article in yesterday’s Scotsman that reported on the latest phase of the East Coast Sea Eagle Reintroduction Project (see here).
Albert Hogburn, Director of the Twat Unit in the Modern Poisoners’ Soc said: “First it was the west coast, now it’s the east coast, what next, are we going to see eagles in Southern Scotland, too? It’s outrageous! We’re going to be the laughing stock of Europe if we’re not careful and what would that do to our fragile economy? Nobody’s going to visit Scotland if we’ve got these evil feathered babysnatchers lurking on top of every doctor’s surgery, sharpening their talons on the roof tiles ready to pounce.
But don’t you worry. Obviously we’ll continue to use poison out in the countryside, because that’s our bread and butter, but we’ve got to have a different strategy for use in urban areas. I’ve had my twats working 24/7 on a new trap design – forget the Clam Trap, we’ll soon be unveiling the Pram Trap, just as soon as our government funding comes through. It’ll be better than the Clam Trap because you can’t really use those in the High Street, whereas the Pram Trap, which works by attaching nooses to the pram’s hood so that when the babysnatcher comes down for the kill its feet will get tangled up, can be rolled out across towns and cities in full public view. We’re also working on a partnership with one of the supermarkets to offer 10% discount to all customers who come in with a dead babysnatcher. The promotion booth will probably be positioned next to the lottery stand at the front of the store. People will feel lucky if they’ve managed to kill a babysnatcher, so lottery ticket sales should increase ten-fold. It’ll be win-win. How bloody fantastic is that?”.
Donald Spewing-Moore from the Royal Bird Protection Society said: “I thought they were up to something. I saw them last week huddled up inside a grouse butt, deep in conversation and guarded by 40 armed naked virgins. I shouted, ‘Oi, Twats, what you doing?’ but they didn’t hear”.
Raptor Persecution UK 