The news media are full of stories today about the dire situation for breeding hen harriers in England. With only a single known breeding pair this year, we are about to lose this species. Many think that persecution by gamekeepers is to blame, but we can now exclusively reveal that blade-wielding eagle thugs are responsible for wiping out hen harriers.
Undercover operatives from the Modern Poisoners’ Society have sent us photographic evidence of a knife-handling training camp where hundreds of eagles gathered last year to sharpen their blades and practice stabbing and slicing actions. Readers will be shocked to learn that this secret camp was not in Yemen or Pakistan, but was actually in the heart of England. Squadrons of eagles secretly practised their low-level night flights over the Derwent reservoir in preparation for Operation Chastise: their revenge on hen harriers for eating all the red grouse. Unfortunately there weren’t any hen harriers in the area so the eagles stabbed all the Upper Derwent goshawks instead. The bodies of the dead goshawks were wrapped in carpet and weighted down with stones before being dumped in the reservoir. The sneaky eagles then removed the goshawk eggs from the nests and smashed them on the ground to make it look like gamekeepers had been responsible.
Albert Hogburn, Head of Truth at the Modern Poisoners’ Society said: “Gamekeepers have been vindicated. Perhaps now people will see eagles for the vermin they really are, destroying all biodiversity in their path. The best way to teach eagles about knife crime is to poison them. Once they’ve stabbed all the harriers they’ll just move on to innocent children. It’s basic ecology. We’ve applied for lottery funding so we can put rings of poison around every school in England. It’s the only way to keep our children safe”.
Donald Spewing-Moore from the Royal Bird Protection Society said: “I wish that twat Hogburn would cut it out. Cut it out, geddit? Did you see what I did there? Did you? But in all seriousness, I can think of better uses for that knife, although I would prefer to use a triple X30 stainless steel model with an official Rockwell hardness rating of 52 + 2 and combine 0.3% carbon and 13% chrome for long-lasting cutting performance and high corrosion resistance”.
Raptor Persecution UK 